The journey of life, love and family

Pictures worth a thousand words...

2009-10-22T08:53:00.003-05:00

Here are just two of my favorite pictures that were taken at a Bellies and Babies expo in Indianapolis on September 26, 2009. I was 34w5d pregnant at the time. Capturing these sweet and precious moments will forever be with me. Two of Ethan's favorite things to do right now (as far as the belly is concerned) is kiss "Baabby" (combo of Baby and Abby) and try to push my belly button back in. So that is why these two pictures are my favorite.

Long time...no post...

2009-10-22T08:41:00.002-05:00

I first want to apologize for my lack of posting over the past two months. Time has gotten away from me and now I need to make up for some lost time. I've updated my blog and will be adding some recent pictures as well. As we get closer by the day to the arrival of our second child, I need to make sure that everyone is in the loop....well those following anyway!

First of all, it's finally Fall. My favorite season of them all. There is just something about the cooler weather, the leaves changing colors, the start of another football season......it just feels like comfort to me. We have been trying over the last few months to get as much "Ethan time" in as we possibly can before we become a family of four. This includes as many outdoor activities and fun time as the weather allows. I know winter will be hard for him this year as he does love to be outside.

Secondly, we are closing in on our due date....I keep saying each day brings us closer. I am 38w3d pregnant today. Oh and before I go on I must note that we are NO LONGER a scheduled repeat c-section.....I have opted to attempt to VBAC! As of my appointment this week I am 2 cm dilated and 50-60% effaced. My OB is on vacation all of next week which has me a bit concerned but I know the other two doctors who will be in the office and on call and am comfortable with both. However, we have already discussed (since he'll be out next week and I'll see someone else for my appointment) where we go from here should she not decide to come on her own. The tentative game plan is that we get to my due date but not too far past my due date...seeming how I have big babies and all - the closer to that time frame the better. So the plan as of now, just talking...not scheduled, is that if she doesn't come on her own before my due date that we will likely be inducing the day after. For those following that would be Tuesday, November 3rd. I'm a bit nervous about this because of the VBAC, I'd prefer for nature to take it's course rather then once again forcing my body into labor. We'll see what the next week and a half bring.

Everything on the home front is ready. Abby's wall, as we call it, is set up with her crib and changing table. She has her own personalized name plaque (same as Ethan's) with her name and the scripture 1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him." I also ordered a beautiful bow holder and hand made bows from a dear forum friend of mine. She did an amazing job. Everything looks great. Her hospital bag is packed and mine is started, with the changing weather I'm not sure what to pack until the time comes but for the most part it's ready. We have the car seat installed and Ethan looks at it each time we are in the van and says "baby" because he knows what is coming.

Ethan's been doing so well lately. His vocabulary is growing by the day and I believe we are up to 25 words. He loves to jabber and laugh at himself which in turn makes us laugh with him. He's such a joy and I can't wait to see him around his new baby sister. I know that we may have some issues at first, just seeing how jealous he can get of other children being with me in the nursery at church, not to mention the "mine" phase that he is in. But overall I think he'll do great with her, he is very loving with babies. He's just about a week over his 19 month birthday and I can't believe how much he's grown. I just got his first year photobook in the mail and to see the change that 7 months have made - it brings a tear to my eye. He's such a blessing, such a joy and I continue to thank God for him daily.

Well, I'll wrap it up for now, hopefully more to come soon enough!

Time is flying...make it stop!

2009-08-04T14:15:00.002-05:00

This is a phrase that I have used so many times over the past year and a half that I think I need to have it tattooed somewhere.....ok not really but the statement is so true. Time is flying and I keep praying for it to stop. Ethan is 16 1/2 months old and 12 weeks from today we'll be adding Abigail Grace to our family - where has the time gone? We went from struggle after struggle, year after year of heartbreak and fear...now we are so blessed that we just want to relish in each moment before it disappears. We still feel like we are dreaming and are so thrilled to have our perfect little family after all we've been through. Thank you God!

A new outlook on change

2009-07-24T07:12:00.002-05:00

I have been blessed beyond measure over the past few years and I still am thankful each and every day. I have learned to look past the pain in any situation and trust that it's for a reason. I think infertility has instilled this in me and it will always be there. I wouldn't wish my journey or heart ache on anyone but for me, for my family, it was such a blessing. God's word says that He uses trials to mold us and shape us and prepare us for what is to come. We may never understand in this life but I trust Him alone! I'll have time to ask Him questions when we meet face to face, for now I just continue to trust in Him in all things - good, bad and ugly.
That being said as we continue to inch closer to the arrival of our new baby girl we feel blessed and overwhelmed all in one. Blessed because we were told we'd never have children and now we are expecting our second in just a two year span of time. It was two years ago this Wednesday (7/22) that I took my second pregnancy test with Ethan. Overwhelmed simply because she wasn't planned. We had plans to fix the house up, put it on the market and hoped to have moved before adding to our family. However, life doesn't always work out the way we planned - we have learned that lesson over and over again. Never will I look at my daughter's life or birth as a mistake or an accident. God predestined her for us and we are happy to have her. Abby is and will be a great joy in our lives, just as Ethan is and continues to be. Our home may be cramped for a time but what better way to live, our house isn't full of junk but it will be full of love and laughter and special moments with our small family.
We have also been taking the Dave Ramsey "Financial Peace University" class at a church in our home town for the past 13 weeks. What an eye opening experience this has been. We know that we carry quite a bit of debt, mainly because we went back to school and were set up with private student loans instead of federal loans and the interest rates don't even compare! But also because of debt that we incurred on our credit card over the years. We have been married for seven years now and the first five were amazing, we were making great money and had money to spend at our leisure. The past two years we were hit with quite a bit and all at once. Working through budgets and keeping track of expenses as I do it became very frustrating to see how much month we had left at the end of our money! As we get ready for our graduation party with our class in two weeks it's nice to see that we have made some changes and we are seeing positive changes in return. We now have money in a savings account again for the first time in four years, we have a student savings account set up for Ethan (we've learned the beauty and power of compounding interest), our life insurance is sufficient and we work to pay down our debts one by one.
2009 has been a year of changes and I think they are all great changes. A change to our family, a change to our home, a change to our finances and a change to our life as a whole. There are more changes still to come, we are only half way through the year after all...but for now all changes have been wonderful and we welcome them. I've never been one for change, I prefer for things to stay the same - where they are comfortable - but sometimes you just have to step out of your comfort zone to be blessed. Thanks for reading!

Talking to myself?

2009-07-22T10:45:00.003-05:00

I sometimes wonder....am I talking to myself? Are my words getting through? Is anyone interested? I know I haven't been blogging long and that I don't blog often but I feel as though I'm blogging for myself. I started this blog to keep friends and family members up to date on how things were going in our family and I rarely get comments or replies. Thus I wonder, is it worth it? I send out group emails with updates and maybe that is why this blog doesn't get much attention. I love to write, love to verbalize my thoughts and put them to paper....but maybe this is an avenue that isn't for me. Any thoughts?

Pregnancy Brain

2009-07-11T19:29:00.002-05:00

This is a phrase used a lot by pregnant women, it relates to the fact that our brains seem to be lacking in their normal strength while pregnant. There are many terms but this is what I stick to. Now as to why I'm posting this - because I have it bad and didn't realize it until yesterday. I posted earlier (in my 22 week update) that I was up 16 pounds. However, it wasn't until yesterday - yes weeks later - that I realized how false that is.
I had an appointment yesterday with my endocrinologist as my thyroid levels are a bit out of whack in this pregnancy. They have a digital scale and I was thinking, oh man - do I really want to see what this reads? But I was shocked to see that it only read 169.2 pounds. I was 160 when I conceived Abby girl and thought that meant I had lost a lot of weight in the past two weeks. The nurse looked at me all confused and said - no you actually gained 3 pounds which is great.
I went on to argue, as only I can, that I remember distinctly them moving to 16 pounds and some ounces on the scale. DUH! The increment was set at 150 + 16 pounds = 166 not 176! See, the simple stuff that my brain doesn't register. If she hadn't told me, I would have continued to think I was up 16 pounds. Not that 16 pounds would be bad, at this point I should be up 12-15 pounds if not more. With Ethan I was already 20 pounds into my pregnancy. So now I wonder is 9.2 pounds not enough?
I've been hearing a lot that I am just not popping out this time like with Ethan. That people can't believe I'll be 6 months pregnant on Monday, I just don't look it. And I have to admit, I'm not sure how to respond. With Ethan I always measured big and looked pregnant. So I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or should I wonder about my slow weight gain? I'll be sure to bring this up when I see my doctor this week. As well as asking when I'll be able to see my girl again. We have multiple reasons but he keeps saying "later in the pregnancy." That's open ended!

Have you heard of Melaleuca?

2009-06-30T19:49:00.001-05:00

It’s a Wellness Company. They manufacture wellness and environmentally sensitive products for the home and for personal care.

I’m trying to tell as many people as possible about these products and I think everyone should have them in their home. I would love to share information and/or a web cast with you if you want to hear more about them.

This is something that I have been looking into since February for a few reasons. #1 it will provide me with the opportunity to make a little extra money without having to physically go out and get a second job. #2 it helps households with individuals suffering from asthma, allergies, ADD/ADHD, headaches, heart problems, auto-immune diseases and so much more. There is nothing more important to me now, as a parent, then provided a safe environment for my family. All products are safer and environmentally sensitive, they help to reduce harmful toxins in your home and minimize chemicals in our environment.

Here are just a few important points for anyone interested:

Our products are concentrated
100% Money-back guarantee
UPS Shipping
You get $100 Loyalty Shopping Dollars over the next 5 months! ($20 per month) THIS IS GREAT!
The concept is that you “switch stores” and spend no new money….you actually spend less.

Again, I am so on fire right now that I would love, love, love to share the experience and opportunity with anyone who has an interest. Please contact me, we can set up a time to talk on the phone or even schedule a time for you to view one of our web casts. Let me know!

www.melaleuca.com

www.thefreedomunitedteam.c

om/je15425

The heat of summer has begun

2009-06-27T20:25:00.002-05:00

Well we are just a week into summer and already I can tell it's going to be a scorcher. With temps in the 90s and humidity at high percentages....it's taking it's toll on all of us. For me, it's a change because I didn't get pregnant with Ethan until early July and wasn't showing until early fall. This time around I'm 5 months pregnant at the start of summer. The heat doesn't get to me like the humidity but I'm learning that I can't do it all anymore. I have to take more breaks, sit down when I feel winded and I need to stay on top of my water intake.
Ethan experienced his own bought of heat exhaustion this week as well. On Wednesday we were under a heat advisory - his sitter decided to take him and her son to the park. Only thing is - she had them walking and it's a good mile. Two 15 month old boys WALKING to the park in 93 degree heat. He was sleeping when I picked him up and seemed a little sluggish but overall acted fine. He started throwing up at 3:45 a.m. and continued until sometime after 4 p.m. on Thursday. He began to have diarrhea episodes shortly after breakfast too. However, he never had a fever, was never fussy and had no other symptoms. Based on the smell (which is unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life) his pediatrician thinks that it was definitely heat related. He did better yesterday, only two diarrhea diapers and I asked the sitter to keep him in. When I picked him up at 4:30 he was just eating lunch - that's not normal at all. Around 4 a.m. this morning he started gagging but seemed to be ok. However, within a few more hours the vomiting and diarrhea picked back up.
Josh is out with the boys on his annual paintball trip so this is all perfect timing, especially for the momma who doesn't handle vomit well at all. I'm more the see it, hear it, smell it.....end up doing it kind of girl. But when it comes to your kids, I've learned that something takes over you and you do what you have to for them. Thankfully he hasn't been sick since first thing this morning and while he's still having diarrhea episodes they aren't as bad. I never thought I'd be so happy to see a little substance to his diapers! I know all of this is probably just way too much information but after all - this is our journey of life, love and family. It's all about of the joys of parenting and I'd have it no other way!

20 week update

2009-06-17T20:15:00.002-05:00

Well it's official, we are half way through this pregnancy. More so actually since Abigail Grace will be born at 39 weeks 1 day via repeat c-section. I think I am finally starting to put on a little weight but will wait to post until after I go to the doctor next Monday, the 22nd. I am happy to report that I am finally feeling more movement. I hope this means that my placenta is indeed moving up as it should. Abby likes to kick Ethan if I rock him to sleep which I think is cute. But other than that she's only been felt by daddy once. I still feel great which is such a blessing. If only my face looked as good as I feel! Here are my updated pictures!

My already flat belly button :)

It's a....

2009-06-09T19:42:00.001-05:00

GIRL!

We found out yesterday at 19 weeks that our second miracle baby is a beautiful little girl. She weighs approximately 9 ounces and looks great. Her bpm was only 153 so my babies are opposite of the old wives tales. Ethan was 187 on the day of his gender scan. I do need to report that I have an anterior and low lying placenta this round. So unfortunately we didn't get many good shots at all. She is using the placenta like a blanket and it covers her from her face down to her knees. We have a few great shots (via video) of her heart and her feet but that was the best we got. We only got one shot of the goods but it was enough to know there is no hotdog between those little legs. The two white lines for the labia are very clearly seen.

I have my 5 month appointment on the 22nd and will discuss the write up of this scan at that time. The tech told me that most likely I'll be back for another scan in approximately six weeks to check on the placenta. As long as it moves up we'll be great, but if it moves down we could have some issues. Lots of prayers are going up now. However, we continue to only focus on the positive knowing that God is always in control and He has a plan for this little girl.

Oh and how can I forget to share with you...her name will be Abigail Grace. Abigail means "the Father's joy." Not only will she be her earthly father's joy but also her heavenly Father's joy. We wanted another strong Christian name that meant as much to us as to our faith. We are so blessed with this miracle and still pinch ourselves to make sure it's not a dream. After five years of struggling with infertility we are seeing our dreams come true daily. In just under two years we've been blessed with the best of both worlds. Who could ask for more?!

Our first countdown is on....

2009-06-04T13:45:00.002-05:00

Well it's been on for the last two weeks in my mind. We have our long awaited (ok, not really that long) gender scan on Monday, June 8th at 9 a.m. I have to register by 8:45 a.m. and have to drink 32 ounces of water an hour before arriving....without voiding my bladder. I wasn't able to do this with Ethan and I am positive I won't be able to do it this time either. 10 ounces more then fills my bladder and I'm voiding every 15 minutes per bottle of water. However, I will do my best.
We've been doing some fun things to pass the time and trying to determine what the gender of this second baby is. Everything from online gender prediction quizzes (most of which say girl) and polling our friends and family. So far the poll is at 16 to 7 boy. So it'll be neat to see how things turn out on Monday. It's always such a neat time to call and tell people the gender and to get their reactions. Equally as fun though is to get the guesses before hand and ask the ever popular question "WHY?" You think I'm having a girl because...... or You think I'm having a boy because....
Either way, we honestly don't care. This child was predestined by God for us and the gender was determined long before the sperm met the egg. This child will be loved unconditionally, spoiled rotten by all who love them and cherished in the same way that big brother Ethan has been and will always be. We don't take for granted one moment of this journey knowing that we are blessed after all we've endured to be here.
I honestly think that suffering through infertility prepared me to be a better mother. A mother who still kisses 100 plus times a day the face, hands and feet of my child. Who still sings "You are my sunshine" with tears in my eyes and finds joy in knowing that it helps to calm his hurts and fears. The mom who still counts the weeks of life and prays thanksgiving each night and each new day for the life I've been given in my son.
I will do the same for this second child as well. Be it boy or girl!

Our first visit to the zoo....

2009-05-31T06:17:00.006-05:00

As a kick off to summer we decided it was time to take Ethan on his first adventure to the zoo. He loves reading his "Peek a Zoo" book with daddy and working on animal noises and pointing out animals when asked to find them. So we figured he'd enjoy a trip to the zoo. It'll be the first of many but it was nice to get out. We arrived at 10:30 a.m. bright and early in hopes of seeing as much as possible before the heat set in. We met up with two of my dear friends and their two children and had a blast. Ethan enjoyed seeing the animals and pointing out things, his biggest expression the whole day was "oooohhhh."
Ethan loved the oceans exhibit which is where we started. He loved standing on the ledge and leaning in on the glass to see the stingrays and colorful fish. He even got to pet a shark with daddy in the holding area. He wanted them as they were swimming towards him but would pull his hands in when they got close. It was fun to watch. Next we had lunch and went on to ride on the train, the carousel, go to the petting zoo and watch an elephant show. The heat was really starting to get to me by the time 2 p.m. rolled around and we stayed just one more hour. I was glad to have "seasoned" friends along because I haven't been to the zoo in more then 4 years and so much has changed. It was an honor to see it through the eyes of a mother and not just an aunt or friend.

L-R: Josh Thomas, Alexis Hillenburg, Ethan Edens

Ethan enjoying pointing at the Meerkats

Ethan and I walking out of the Forest

14 month update

2009-05-28T13:20:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that we are two months past the big first birthday. It still seems that time is flying by us. Each day is filled with new adventures and I couldn't be more proud of my little guy. On one hand you hate to see them growing before your eyes but on the other hand - I absolutely love it. Ethan is now chattering all the time, he talks back to us as though in a normal conversation....even if we can't understand all of what he is saying. There are times he can throw as many as 6 words together and other times we are lucky if we can get 1 word out of him. He's always on the go, loves to walk and run and now he loves to pull himself up too. It's the cutest thing to watch him grab a book, walk over to the couch, pull himself up and start "reading" to himself. He's so smart.

I am looking forward to the warmer summer weather and all the new things that we will both get to experience together....him for the first time and me as his mom. I can already see the simple things being such big differences in the eyes of a mom then in the eyes of just another "aunt." With our summer hours schedule and continued 36 hour work weeks it leaves us with at least a full afternoon off together each week if not a full day, I think that's special. Sure it's not ideal but I still have a job and I have some free time to spend with my son. I look forward to trips to the zoo, trips to the park and the pool, trips to visit friends and their children (Ethan's playmates), trips camping and fishing. It's going to be a wonderful summer.

Knowing that baby #2 is coming I really am trying to soak up every minute with Ethan. I feel guilty already knowing that in due time he will no longer be my "one and only." The one who has my constant and undivided attention. The one who I live for. Now there will be two. Don't get me wrong I am beyond excited at the opportunity to have another child, for Ethan to have a sibling, and for them to be so close in age knowing that they'll be friends for life, playmates and probably even partners in crime. It's just that after so many years of struggling with infertility and never knowing if we'd even have one, it's all so bittersweet to me.....less bitter more sweet!

Life is good!

To Whom Honor is due this Mother's Day

2009-05-08T14:54:00.002-05:00

This is something that I received via email back in May 2007. A few months after the loss of my first pregnancy (Jordan) and only a month and a half before conceiving our precious Ethan. Mother's days were the hardest of all holidays for me to celebrate while struggling with infertility. I still will never forget constantly crying as others were honored, as relatives gloated over what they received from their kids and showing the hand made cards and gifts. The fact that no one thought about how I felt with empty arms. Mother's Day 2007 I spent at home, didn't even go to church, planting a rose bush named "Honor" for the child I lost. It was a day of mourning for me, not a day of celebration. However, last year I got to experience my first Mother's Day. I took Ethan to my mother's church and I still remember that it was raining out that day. But what a difference a year can make. I have no idea what, if anything, is in store for me this Mother's Day but I know that I am looking forward to handmade cards and gifts, a bouquet of dandelions and lots of hugs and kisses from my sweet boy.

The posting below is written by a female pastor from a neighboring town. I think she captures everything we all need to see on Mother's Day. That "mother" can take on different roles and have different reasons to be recognized and celebrated. Don't forget the mothers and friends that mean so much in your lives. Remind them that they are loved, they are special, and that you are always there to offer support and encouragement no matter what path they find themselves on. For those still trying for your miracle - don't lose hope....MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. For those of you expecting, this is your first mother's day - celebrate with your belly. For those who are new mother's - enjoy knowing that for the rest of your life, this is a day for you. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

To Whom Honor is Due

There’s something unique about the month of May. It shouts, Celebrate! We honor mothers. We applaud graduates. We stand elated on the brink of summer. We breathe sweet relief that winter has hidden in hibernation. May looks backward and forward, encircling us in all its wondrous emotions. But somehow mothers win my attention for this May column. They deserve special recognition for “living somewhere between “estrogen and death”.

Whether the title is Mom, Mother, Mommy, or some variation thereof, these exceptional creations of God deserve honor and a warm demonstration of affection. Life is a delicate balancing act, a tightrope walk with over-commitment on one side and under-commitment on the other. No one walks it better than a godly mother, not attempting too much or too little. On Mother’s Day, our sanctuaries are filled with their balance, their love, the work of their hands, their offspring, their dedication, their presence. We are blessed beyond measure.

As we honor our own mothers in May, we must also remember other women whose lives merit special tribute.

Women with empty arms need special love and recognition. They can feel very alone while rejoicing with others. Many noble women have longed for children but instead have had their dreams dashed through inability to conceive, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. The distress Hannah felt because she was barren (1 Samuel 1) is a painful reality in their lives. They are not second-class women, but often feel so. Too often we assume that a woman forgets such a disappointment. But when awards are given for the mother with the most children present, you can be sure that grief surfaces again. Many mothers deprived of children use their abilities to bring countless blessings to other people’s children. Reach out and acknowledge their value with appreciative words, a handwritten note, a single rose, and many prayers for their motherly heart and good works.

Adoptive mothers must be celebrated. Many prayed, tried medical procedures, and spent much money in attempts to have a child. At last their desires were realized when another woman signed relinquishment papers without knowing to whom or how her baby would be given and raised, choosing life for it rather than abortion. The adoptive mother gives herself to that child, in double-portion thanksgiving, having been bequeathed boundless joy as God helped her “birth” a son or daughter to be her very own, to love, to cherish, and to raise in His abundant ways.

Mothers whose husbands are unsaved merit extra prayer. They have a task that takes all the daily faith, wisdom, endurance, and love that a woman can muster. They require all the encouragement God and we can give. No one, except another in that environment, can imagine how difficult it can be for the mother who serves as the sole godly parental example, committed to Him, children, and home. She prays, trusts, hopes, and keeps on keeping on, while an unsaved husband often pulls away in a different direction. How these mothers need our best appreciation and help.

Mothers who are forced into single parenthood deserve our recognition. We live in a world of broken marriages, displaced children, and disrupted goals. Among us are godly women who do their best to be the kind of mother their children need, even while carrying the burdensome responsibility of homemaking plus earning a living outside the home. Unless we’ve been there, do we appreciate how difficult it is to be a two-in-one parent, juggling family needs, and handling employment demands necessary to just make ends meet? God bless these mothers! They are worthy, meritorious, ascribable.

Also worthy of honor are stepmothers. It’s not easy to step into an already-made family. It’s often difficult to win the trust and affection of children who miss their birth mother and how it used to be. Some biological mothers die prematurely. Some desert husband, children and home. When a new person comes into the family circle, she is always faced with extra challenges. Stepmothers are called upon to enter the extreme position of real ministry. Through patient understanding, they shower bewildered, lonely, sometimes angry, always needy, children with a mother’s love, guidance, and security. May they be beautifully blessed.

We salute mothers of handicapped children. Do you ever wonder how mothers of challenged children cope? God gives them special grace to rise above prejudice and ignorance around them. He makes them strong and brave in their assignment. His grace gives growth in difficult situations, with most days presenting the unexpected. We too must never underestimate their sacrificial love. Let’s express to these special mothers how much we love and admire them, and cherish their children, offering help with a listening ear or a hand of availability.

Mothers-in-law should receive flowers of celebration. They are often the brunt of tasteless jokes. Sometimes they are resented needlessly and become targets of jealousy. Then there are real meddlers. But for every meddling mother-in-law, there are countless biblical models of Naomi whose tender compassion and spiritual guidance toward her daughter-in-law make her a mother-in-love. My own mother-in-law died before I ever met her, but one of my heart’s desires is to embrace and get to know this virtuous woman when I get to Heaven. She was a true Lydia. I give her honor and acclaim as a resourceful, hardworking, generous, Christ-honoring mother to her own two sons, and the five orphaned children of her martyred, missionary sister and brother-in-law.

To my own precious mother, my personal gift of God, now residing restfully in Heaven but with me through every day, I say an endless thank you for all the lessons of life you taught me. I love you for showing me that maturity in Christ is about consistent pursuit in spite of the hindrances and setbacks. That it is about remaining in the arms of God while running the race. That it’s about abiding and staying, when I feel desirous of something more. That it’s when I am worn and weak that my Lord is still strong. And that the most important work I can do is leave a heritage to others, like you dearest Mother, left to me.

In May, this month of blue skies, colorful flowers, and the joyous songs of spring, we celebrate. We celebrate all that has been and is to come. We celebrate our graduates and their achievements. But most of all, we call all Christian mothers out of the shadows and sing a beautiful anthem of praise to these most complex, most gifted, most praiseworthy of woman.

14 weeks

2009-05-08T14:49:00.002-05:00

I'm almost through with week 14 and am just now finding the time to post and update! This is good news, it means I've been busy at work and that hasn't been the case in over 6 months now! Monday the 4th I graduated to week 14 of my second pregnancy. I haven't had any spotting for over two weeks now which is a huge relief. While I still don't feel pregnant and am still wishing upon stars for symptom after symptom - I have to say that I am still so blessed. I am putting this pregnancy in God's hand, same as I did with Ethan, and I know that there are no better hands for my baby to be in then God's. He has a plan for this child and He'll see us all through. I am getting asked now if I'm pregnant so what little showing I have must be enough. This is two weeks sooner then when I was expecting Ethan. Next, I'm looking forward to my appointment on the 21st and feeling the baby move for the first time. We are still playing the name game too, so it'll be a big day when we finally find out what gender our precious sweet pea is so we can name him/her. Ethan is definitely saying "baby" these days and we think that's just as sweet as it can be. Anyway, to close - here is a picture of me at 14w1d (please forgive the mess, I just came home from working out).

On the move!

2009-04-27T19:50:00.003-05:00

It's official.......my baby boy is walking. It started off slowly and I can honestly say I thought he'd be a slow walker. But just in the last four days, it's been amazing to see his progression. He started walking with arms up, today he's able to walk with his arms down to his side. He started on his toes, now he can walk flat footed. In the beginning he could only do a step or two, now he's up to 20 steps without breaking. He can even stop, bend down to pick something up and start walking again. I'm so proud of him. But I'll admit I'm a little sad as well, he's growing so much and way too fast for me. It's been an amazing journey, one that I can't imagine my life without. We are so blessed.

12 week update

2009-04-27T12:00:00.005-05:00

Ok, so I'm only a week late but still.....it's late.

We had our 12 week appointment last Wednesday at 12w2d. My mother and my son went to the appointment with me, let me just say - a 13 month old does not like to go to the doctor with mommy! The doctor was able to hear the heartbeat but had to do some pushing to get the baby into a proper position to do so. Said everything sounded perfect but didn't get my a reading on the bpm. Then I was able to sweet talk him, I love my doctor, into another ultrasound to look at this "pocket" of blood Dr Shinn found last week. Well it's a small hematoma, smaller then the week prior which is good news. He's thinking by week 15 or 16 I should stop seeing this cycle of bleeding for a day and spotting for two. So much for thinking about going 9 months without pads and liners!

Here attached are three beautiful pictures of my sweet pea. Two of them even have close ups of the face. He/she looks like an alien still but in my eyes, he/she couldn't be anymore perfect!

Oh and I guess I should also include my not so flattering belly shot at11w5d.

Forum Meeting

2009-04-21T11:52:00.006-05:00

After almost three years on the forum I decided it was time to get some girls in our area together for a meeting. Now that I have, I'm sorry I waited so long. I met up with Tricia (MaggieMoo) and Tanja (Bri01) and I have to say, it was like we'd known each other for years. Granted we have via the forum but not in person. I recognized Tricia's son Alex right away and she seemed to recognize us too. She even said "there's my Ethan" which I thought was cute. Alex is almost 2 (in May) and Ethan is just now 13 months old yet they got along so well, you'd think they have also known each other all their lives. Alex shared his toys with Ethan and they rocked on the rocking chairs, chatted back and forth in their own language and even shared lunch! Tanja's daughter Bri was just cute as a button, very well behaved and such a smart girl. She is only 8 but you'd think she's older. Jayden enjoyed dipping his chicken in ketchup more then eating it but he has such cute facial expressions that you can't help but fall in love with him. I'm glad I finally got a group together, although I wish there were more who could have come. Maybe next time!

Alex and Ethan being buddies

Ethan rocking himself like a big boy

Alex, Ethan and Bri (our attempt at a group shot)

I will never forget....

2009-04-14T09:32:00.002-05:00

As many of you know DH and I struggled with infertility for four and a half years before our first miracle pregnancy (Jordan) in March 2007. Since then we've gone on to conceive twice more and have a beautiful boy to show for it and another miracle on the way (most are pulling for girl but only time will tell). However, I still am a member and moderator for my infertility forum. Many have asked me behind the scenes "why are you still here?" The reason is because, I will never forget.

I'll never forget the stress of trying, the pain of failure, the torture of waiting, the tears and pain of loss.

I'll never forget where I've been and how it's shaped me into who I am today.

I'll never forget the feeling of "what's wrong with me?" "what have I done?" "am I being punished" and "am I meant to live a life without children?"

Infertility will ALWAYS be a part of who I am, where I've been and why I cherish the blessings that I do have and have yet to receive in my life. Infertility is the reason that I take very little for granted. It's the reason that I live for my son and pray daily that he may always know how much he's loved, how much he was wanted and that without him in my life it would be incomplete.

I continue to participate on the forum to provide support and encouragement for those still trying, to provide a shoulder to cry on and prayers for those who have lost, and to provide help for those who are pregnant or now parents. It took me years to come to this conclusion but I started to say that if living my experience as an open book and sharing it with other people helped just one other couple - it was for God's glory. While I don't wish infertility on even my worst enemies (if I had them)....for us it's been a blessing in the end. As the words of one of my favorite Kathy Troccoli songs says "If it wasn't for the battle, how would I know the victory?!"

I do have a son, I do have another child on the way, and I am thankful each day for the blessings I have in my life. But I also know that God deserves all the glory for these miracles in my life. He's healed us, he's helped us, he's always with us and he is so good. I continue to pray daily thanking him for his blessings and promising to raise my children up for him. After all, they are only mine on borrowed time - all children are God's children. I'm honored that he's chosen me to be Ethan's mom and Samuel/Abigail's mom. I look forward to all that he has planned for us in this life.

11 Week Update

2009-04-13T15:10:00.002-05:00

Today marks 11 weeks, so close to that three month mark. I wasn't supposed to have an update for today but I do. I found out on Thursday last week that Josh's cousins lost their baby. They were close to 13 weeks but the baby only measured about 8 and had no heartbeat. For those of you who know me - this caused some major anxiety for me. Not only that but we were asked to call the grieving couple since we've gone through the same loss. It was difficult but God saw us through.
I thought I was fine with things and continued to pray and put my trust in God but.......last night around 10:30 p.m. I started spotting bright red blood. Enough to scare not only me but my husband as well. This morning it was back to regular brown spotting, something I'm used to in my pregnancies (although I wish it weren't so common) and I thought things would be fine. However, as the early morning hours wore on the brown spotting began red again and I just couldn't handle it.
I love my Ob and his staff because they know me oh so well. Called and the receptionist got me in by 11 this morning. I saw a brand new doctor to the practice, who while he's never met with me before, got a good briefing of our history. He tried to find the heartbeat and couldn't - talk about stress city! Instead of torturing me to continue and look around to locate the baby via doppler he got me up and we went to the ultrasound room. Thank goodness we did. Right off the bat we could see my beautiful angel and he/she was kicking and waving and dancing all around. The heartbeat is fine, nice and strong, just still a little too small for us to physically hear.
I go back next Wednesday for my regularly scheduled appointment and we'll try to hear the heartbeat again. I made the jump into maternity clothes today. I've been in a half way size for about a week now where my clothes still fit but are tight but the maternity clothes were too loose. But for me, comfort it key. I'd rather be pulling my pants up then trying to pull them off my stomach and unbuttoning them all the time. I was in maternity clothes at 9 weeks with Ethan so I say making it to 11 is pretty good. Now we just have to continue to say "Grow, Baby, Grow!"

Easter 2009

2009-04-13T15:05:00.003-05:00

Well yesterday we got to experience another Easter. Another year to celebrate the fact that Jesus is risen from the grave, he's overcome death and is living eternally in Heaven where he has prepared a place for us. What an uplifting holiday for us Christians.

It was Ethan's second Easter and I think he looked just as handsome as he did last year. Again, what a difference a year makes. Last year Easter was March 23 and my Ethan was 6 days old. This year it's mid-April and the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and it was warm enough to go without jackets!

Ethan enjoyed an egg hunt down in the nursery during church. Then we went to my parents for my favorite meal of Steak n Potatoes, a pasta casserole, mac n cheese, green bean casserole, mixed veggies, etc. Ethan ate his classic rotini pasta with butter and some grapes but boy did he make a mess. Then for dessert he had his favorite peanut butter and chocolate in a Reese dessert. After lunch at my parents we went to Josh's parent's house for another egg hunt and yet more food. We were all stuffed by the time the day was over. Poor Ethan didn't get a nap until 6 p.m. But it was a great time to be had. I love family holidays.

Computer Geek

2009-04-06T08:51:00.003-05:00

Well it's official, my husband and my son are one! There are just more and more similarities by the day. The little boy who looked so much like me as an infant quickly grew into his dad's mini-me. I love to watch them play and interact together. Ethan is quickly figuring out that daddy is more fun then I am (since I've become pregnant) so he lives for playing with daddy every day. Mommy is good for feedings, bath time and bed time - that's about it. But yesterday was the icing on the cake. Josh has this quirk about him that when he's concentrating hard on something he sticks his tongue out. Ethan did this very same thing yesterday while playing with his VTech Laptop. He was concentrating hard, has both hands on the keyboard and is sticking his tongue out. So glad I got this shot!

My new favorite song.....

2009-04-01T15:10:00.002-05:00

I have always been a huge fan of music, it's always amazing to find a song that touches your heart and soul and speaks so much of your life. This song is on a CD that I've had since Christmas but only recently listened to the words enough to let them sink in. This is a great song for any mother. I wish that I could have added it to my play list but it wasn't available :(

One little heartbeat….
By Steven Curtis Chapman

You’re up all night with a screaming baby
You run all day at the speed of life
And everyday you feel a little bit less
Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours
And you wonder if anything worth doing
Got done
Maybe you just don’t know
Or maybe you’ve forgotten

You
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch
And every smile, Oh you
You may not see it now but I believe that time will tell how you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

With every “I know you can do it”
With every tear that you kiss away
So many little things
That seem to go unnoticed
They just like the drops of rain
Over time they become a river

And you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch
And every smile, Oh you
You may not see it now but I believe that time will tell how you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time

Oh, oh, oh, oh
You’re beautiful, beautiful
How you are changing the world
You are changing the world
Oh, oh

You
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat at a time
Making history with every touch
And every smile
Oh you
You may not see it now but I believe that time will tell how you
You are changing the world
Oh I believe that you
You are changing the world
One little heartbeat……at a time!

Keep changing the world!

Finally better & 9 week update

2009-03-30T10:30:00.004-05:00

So poor Ethan's experience from Tuesday night into Wednesday did continue through until Friday. However, I am happy to report that our happy boy is back. He hasn't had a fever since Thursday evening so he's back at the sitter's house today. Ethan spent his first two full days with daddy between Friday while mommy worked and Saturday afternoon and evening while I was away for a church event. Makes me a little more comfortable knowing that he can indeed survive without me but at the same time....he didn't want anything to do with me for a while afterwards. He and daddy are buddies now and have been for a couple of months. They love to play and laugh together, mommy gets to do everything else in between. But I love my boys.

On another note, I'm officially 9 weeks pregnant. At this point in my pregnancy with Ethan we started taking belly pictures and I was showing. I don't think that I am yet with this pregnancy but we should take a picture tonight just to get started somewhere. I'm already in the planning mode and am looking forward to choosing a name for our "bambina" as this baby has been nicknamed by it's Mamaw and Aunt Kimmie (Kimbo). Josh on the other hand, just isn't interested in picking a name this early and wants to wait until we know the gender first. He was in much more of a hurry with Ethan! Here is my list of names - feel free to comment and let me know what you think!

Boys: Samuel, Isaiah and Lucas - middle name will be Allen for all (Allen is my father's name and Josh's step-dad's last name)
Girls: Abigail, Hannah, Allison and Bethany - middle name will be Grace for all

Baby Update #2

2009-03-26T08:34:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had my second ultrasound appointment. According to my dates on babycenter.com I would have been 7w6d, however, the baby measured 8w2d. That's wonderful news. Ethan always measured three days behind, this baby is measuring three days ahead of schedule. I got to see the heart beating strong but won't hear it until my next appointment in April. The doctor did release me to start going to my Zumba classes again, I can't wait to get back into the swing of things. I know that with the late onset gestational diabetes I developed with Ethan, at 35 weeks pregnant, I run the risk to develop it again with this pregnancy. That being said, I know I need to stay active this time and watch my diet. Only time will tell whether it comes back or not. But I'm preparing for rain either way!
A funny thing happened at the end of my appointment. Since my due date is now moved up to November 2nd I joked with my doctor that people (my mom) were ready to schedule my repeat c-section date. Knowing in advance that it's normally 7-10 days before the due date mom was shooting for October 27th which is my grandma's 85th birthday. So my doctor tells me, "Oh I can tell you now when the date will be......let's look here.....October 27th." This is the tentative date as of now and unless the date changes with my anatomy scan here another 10 weeks or so...we are good to go.
Ethan shares his birthday with my father-in-law so it'll be neat to have another child share a special day with a relative. Believe me when I say that I'd be honored to have my second child share his/her birthday with my grandma, she's my favorite grandparent. She's been such an inspiration in my life, she's stronger then she may ever know and she has definitely taught us all the true meaning of unconditional love. Now, we just wait and see if the next few months continue on schedule. Stay tuned for the next update in April.

A sick child

2009-03-26T08:23:00.002-05:00

The hardest part of parenting for me is having a sick child and feeling helpless. Monday morning Ethan woke up pretty cranky. I chalked it up to teething and let it be. I did tell his sitter that if he became too much for her to handle or if he developed a fever to call me. She never did so I assumed he was good. When I got there to pick him up, his head was hot, his eyes were watery but his hands were freezing. By the time we got home his cheeks were red and his eyes just didn't look right. Sure enough, I took his temperature and it was 101.2. Luke warm bath and dinner then Motrin and bed. I crossed my fingers that he'd be good to go in the morning. Boy was I wrong.
He woke up a couple times during the night, was restless and moaning. By the time he woke up around 6 a.m. he was burning up. His fever was 102.6. We tried Tylenol this time but his fever still wasn't breaking. He was very lethargic and just wanted to cuddle with mom, not that I'll ever complain about extra cuddle time. We went to the pediatrician and his ears look good but he has a slight infection in the back of his throat. Similar to strep but he's too young for that. So we were told to keep him home for the rest of the week, let his fever break and allow him some healing time. The pediatrician suspected that his fever would last another 2-3 days which wasn't good news but at least gave us a time frame.
Fast forward a few more hours. I had an appointment with my OB for our second ultrasound so I took Ethan to my dad's house. He seemed content to start playing and eating animal crackers. By the time I got back about an hour later, Ethan was sleeping on my dad's lap and started to cry when I came in. He was burning up again! It was just at the four hour mark from when he'd had Tylenol last so I checked his temp and it was 104.4. He was screaming, crying, red faced, panting, uncomfortable and had a high fever that I just wasn't comfortable with. Even though the after hours pediatrician said it was fine and only to worry if it got up to 105.....I called for another opinion. We ended up in the ER. Found out that I'm not giving him enough Tylenol or Motrin for his weight, even though I didn't have a conversion chart to tell me otherwise at the time. So a little more medicine from them, a strep swab just to be on the safe side and a few checks to make sure he wasn't dehydrating and we were fine. His fever was back down to 101 before we left.
This morning, he's doing so much better. His fever broke around 12:30 a.m. and when he woke up he was ready for a bottle (which he didn't take a full one of all day yesterday) and wanted to play ball with daddy. What a relief. I still have to keep him home, keep him comfortable but I think by tomorrow we may be able to go back to our regular schedule. He's eating better, he's playing, he's napping better.....he's slowly getting back to my boy. What a relief.

What a difference a year makes

2009-03-23T15:43:00.005-05:00

Let me start by adding I have many more pictures to add here. As this past week has gone by I've been sharing with Ethan that a year ago today......such and such happened. Started with his birthday, then the 20th was a year from the day we brought him home (two years from the date I lost my first pregnancy), the 21st we were having a lunch at my grandma's for Good Friday. One year ago today, March 23rd was Easter Sunday and we brought Ethan to church in his little navy pants, white polo shirt and yellow vest. I was still as swollen as I possibly could be and felt horrible wearing maternity slacks and flip flops to a church service with extra attendees!

It was the first time that as a family we went out in public, the first opportunity to show Ethan off to most of those who helped pray him into existence with us. It was an emotional day. But definitely one I'll never forget.

I have more pictures to post but right now our computer at home is out of session, we are installing a new hard drive and the process isn't going according to plan. But I took a picture, an idea I got from a blog I follow, of Ethan's newborn football pajamas (our favorite outfit to put him in) and his current 18 month Colts pajamas to see the size difference that we've experienced in our first year together. I still say it went too fast but I am enjoying every minute!

Week 7

2009-03-20T07:56:00.002-05:00

As of yesterday I am 7 weeks pregnant with our second miracle baby. Thus far I feel great, no symptoms to speak of at all other than extra trips to the bathroom. It's a bit of a rough time for me because I have no symptoms and it just adds to the worry and fear that something may go wrong and I won't know it. I have been spotting for two weeks now, unfortunately this is very common for me. I was told by my doctor that 1 in 3 pregnancies experiences spotting/bleeding.....lucky me, this is my third pregnancy and I've spotted with all three! But I honestly can't complain. I am very fortunate and feel very blessed to be expecting again. After all we've been through we feared we'd never have a child to love and call our own. Now that we have Ethan we know that life wouldn't be complete without him. While we wanted more children we knew that if we never had another child, Ethan would be enough. So I feel very blessed to be able to say that we are adding to our family, that it happened on it's own and in a time when we weren't trying. I'll never say this was an "accident" or an "oops" pregnancy, but rather it was God ordained.
I have another ultrasound next Wednesday the 25th, I'll be one day shy of 8 weeks at the time. Praying that we see good growth and can get a better measurement of the baby. Of course I'm also praying for a strong heartbeat...maybe one we can hear! I can honestly say that waiting is always the worst. So much time to let your mind wonder to here and there and that is where I struggle sometimes. If I keep myself busy and my mind occupied, I feel great. When I'm bored and let my mind go idle, I think and dwell and stress and fear! It's my daily prayer to God to see me through this.

Ethan is now ONE!

2009-03-19T15:12:00.003-05:00

As hard as it is for me to type the title, it's true. My sweet, miracle boy is now a one year old toddler. He never ceases to amaze me, even with the little things. We had one of two parties this past Sunday and he had a blast. He ate a good 3/4 of his individual 4" cake by himself....that was until he tried to put it up his nose! He did sit with me for a while to open presents but about 80% through he decided he'd had enough. His second party is this coming Saturday and it's later in the evening so we'll see how this works out.

I have this neat memory box I ordered a few years ago, before I was pregnant with Ethan, from a friend of mine who is a consultant for "Once Upon a Family." It's called the "Dear, Sweet Child, Letter Box" and in it are like 20 or 21 little booklets, mine have picture pockets on the front. Anyway, the just of this box, and what I found so endearing, is that each year on the child's birthday you write a letter to him/her. Then three weeks before their 21st birthday you start mailing one letter per day starting with the first. On the child's 21st birthday (do I really want to think that far ahead?!) you give the child their last letter (from that day) and the box to put all the letters in and keep forever. I thought it was so cute I couldn't pass it up knowing that one day, adopted or biological, I would have a child to share this with.

Sitting down on Tuesday to write that first letter was rough. What do I say? How can I get across to him in words what the year meant to me and what he means to me? It was an emotional letter but I think it's a good start. I even had my husband write something to since there was room left in the booklet. I hope someday Ethan will read these and know how much he was/is wanted and loved.

The beginning of our journey

2009-03-19T09:16:00.002-05:00

Infertility affects 1 in 6 couples, never would I have imagined at the young age of 21 that my husband and I would be one of these couples. We were and now, looking back, I can say that it was a blessing in disguise. It wasn't always easy, the road was definitely hard to travel, but I'm glad we pushed through and have found success.

Josh and I married June 1, 2002 in my family church in our hometown. It was graduation day, oops, and very very HOT outside. But it couldn't have been a more beautiful or perfect day. Our life together was just beginning and we felt invincible! Boy were we wrong! We purchased our home two weeks after we were married and moved in late August. By December, one week after my 21st birthday, I was ready to start our family.

A year after we began trying we found ourselves without success. My OB, who is amazing, went ahead and set us up with an RE in Indianapolis (who he did his residency with) to get the ball rolling. We found early on that our issue seemed to be male factor - low count, borderline motility and poor morphology. But we kept pushing through. Three IUIs later and we were starting to give up. It was time for us to try IVF but we just didn't have the funds available, it's expensive and it's not guaranteed so we decided to take a break.

Fast forward a year and a half and we were given the opportunity to try an IVF cycle, however, just one! I had switched jobs and had no insurance coverage for fertility drugs, tests, or treatment. We were given a wonderful gift to help us pay for our IVF cycle and I'm still so grateful for that opportunity now. Unfortunately our IVF was a bust. During the egg retrieval process we collected 9 eggs out of 10 follicles, 3 fertilized but all 3 began degenerating within 72 hours.....thus we never made it to transfer. I always used the analogy of a race - we were running the race but tripped up and weren't able to cross the finish line.

That was a pretty devastating time for both Josh and I, we had put all of our eggs in one basket and had given it all we had. Now, we'd tried everything and nothing had worked for us. I really started to fear that we'd never have children. We decided together to discontinue fertility treatments and start saving for adoption. After a few months of researching adoption and getting finances in order I came across a supplement that advertised it could actually improve sperm morphology - up to this point I hadn't found anything that could make that promise. So I decided to purchase it, the supplement is called Fertility Blend.

We began, and by we I do mean DH and I as Fertility Blend has a male and female formula, taking the Fertility Blend in January 2007. In early February, I began experiencing a lot of pain and found out via CT Scan that I had a cyst rupture. My primary doctor told me to stop taking the Fertility Blend for a few months to allow myself to heal. My cycle was delayed in March and I assumed it was another cyst so I called my OB. After a quick urine sample for them I found out I was expecting, what an amazing surprise. Unfortunately, that pregnancy wasn't viable as it was an ectopic pregnancy. Within two weeks we went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I received the methotrexate injection on March 21 and was told we had to wait three months before trying again. What a long wait after finally tasting success!

While waiting we decided to start the Fertility Blend again, after all the labels say to take for three months for optimal reproductive health. So we did with my cycle in April and continued until June 3rd. On June 25th I met with my doctor for a follow up and we were given the big green light to start trying again. I ovulated on June 29th and the rest is history. My son is here, he's healthy and the light of our lives. One year old and he still amazes me daily. He is our "miracle boy."

Now, we are expecting again, completely natural - no Fertility Blend, and completely by surprise. We are 7 weeks pregnant today and I'm so looking forward to the journey ahead of us.

Thank you for reading, I know this was long!

The first post

2009-03-19T08:26:00.000-05:00

In an effort to begin the process of blogging you have to start somewhere right? So here we go, this will be my first blog post on our newly created blog. I'd like to use this blog to journal the experience of our journey of love and life and family. I hope people will find this informative and comfortable.

As of this first blog post our family consists of myself (Jen), my husband (Josh) and our beautiful son (Ethan) who just turned one. At his first birthday party on Sunday, March 15th he got to help us make the grand announcement that we are expecting again this fall. After struggling with infertility for four and a half years before the natural "miracle" conception of Ethan we are so blessed to be able to experience this journey again.

We are Christians and know that without God none of this would be possible. It's amazing really, the worldly physician I saw for so many years who gave us no hope (less then 1% chance of ever conceiving) and now we've been pregnant three times in two years. Now you tell me what's impossible with God?! NOTHING! Prayers are heard and answered, it may not be in our time but in His time. Never give up hope, always fight for what you believe!